How to make famous people your friends
Substance. Content. You sure that’s what you want, you waffling pseudo-blogger?
How about what I want? I want? I want each visitior to A Jack of All Blogs to do 5 things, and most of them, or at least two, perhaps half that, or less, do all these 5 things, just to prevent me from pointing my Smith and Wesson at my forehead:
(1) read every post and comment
(2) learn something they can use
(3) be inspired, and appreciative, and PROVE it by posting a comment
(4) subscribes to A Jack of All Blogs, and other fine hypertext hate products of Blog Media
(5) tell friends, family, and concubines about A Jack of All Blogs, by POSTING something about something I said here that pissed you off, or warmed your heart, or made you sob for hours.
Okay. Here comes nothing.
Is there an A List blogger, movie star, rock musician, soup kitchen operator, pastor, or serial killer you’d like to contact, and know FOR SURE that they will read every freaking word you write, and GET a long, detailed, or short but profound, REPLY from your target celebrity?
That’s easy. Everybody knows the GUARANTEED way to CONTACT CELEBRITIES and MAKE THEM LIKE YOU. I do it every day, all day long. Some of them are so bored and loney, even though multi-millionaires, they actually come here and PROVE THEIR PRESENCE by posting a comment:
Christopher Locke
Buzz Bruggeman
Dave Taylor
Jeremy Wright
Andy Merritt
Carrie Snell
I’ve gotten the attention and somehow earned a little tiny bit of respect, and probably a few laughs, from these people who have PROVEN THEIR PRESENCE by posting a comment at my flagship blog Vaspers the Grate:
How To Get the Attention
and Make LIFELONG Friends with
A Listers, Geniuses, Celebrities
and other pukes I step on all day long:
(1) DESIRE. Want it bad enough, you know: you ALWAYS get it. You’ve proven that over and over again. Look around. See that iPod, cell phone with Stereolab ringtones? Let’s see, X box whatever that is, computer, CDs, steroids, leather boots, leather books, synthesizer, black labrador retriever, Snickers candy board…you get my drift.
Everything you’ve got collecting dirt and cobwebs…all that materialistic garbage acquisition: each little raisin or Ambassador 21 speedcore download, you WANTED them so bad, you GOT them, however you obtained them. With money, theft, borrow, free trial, basic features (no advanced) sampleware, freeware, open source, no source, unidentified source, darknet, invisible web, corner hardware store…you GOT it.
Now get this. Celeb Black Booking…simplified.
Now, you get a huge bonfire, a forest fire, raging in your heart. Lust like a depraved maniac, but in a Nice, Mature, Calm, FREAKED OUT ORIGINAL manner, you reach out to the targets, AFTER studying them.
(2) Study them. Nuff said. Use church library (after chasing away, or calling the police on, your pastor and this week’s altar boy/choir leader “naked initiation ritual” candidate), local bookstore, or internets…to learn as much as you can. Take notes. What is your target celebrity’s favorite movie? Food? Beer? Music?
(3) Read what others have posted as comments to your Target Celebrity’s blog (if he ain’t got no blog, screwfish him, then he is NO celebrity at all, without a blog, you are a ZERO, a NOTHING). Study what they say, and how they say it. Inspect carefully how your Target Celebrity responds. What seems to piss him off? What did he reply excitedly about? Now you’ve got your topic to use to approach the Target Celebrity.
(4) NOW, and not until now, you are finally dead tired from the days of mind-numbing research work, and thus, in perfect mental deterioration condition to contact your beloved mentor, shadow guru, or Ascended Master with Rose-Scented Shit.
(5) WRITE your pathetic groveling asskiss email, or better, comment at his blog. Do both: write an email, and then also, the same day dammit, a comment at his blog. Keep it short, a few sentences at most. Say something smart, funny, bizarrely intelligent and creative, or so absurd and innovative…the Target Celebrity’s eyes will bug out as he reads your slop.
(6) WAIT.
(7) If you get nothing after 14 to 30 days, POST ANOTHER 5 to 100 COMMENTS at his fricking blog.
The bastard.
Nobody is ever that fucking “busy”.
Turd chomping screwfish.
Now calm down. Put your anger energy into a reverse reaction, be sweet as a slice of peach pie from Alabama. Post some heads-ups, warnings, tips, a suggestion on how to improve his blog, or a praise, moderate and simple, about something you love about your Target Celebrity.
(8) Look in your Gmail inbox (if you don’t have Gmail, you aren’t geeky enough to be here, so please leave now in your antiquated IE browser). Look in your blog comments bin. Look in your Google Chat or Google Talk or Skype file. ENJOY with a cup of green ginseng tea.
Now be sure to contact your Target Celebrity once in a very great while, NOT often.
At first, you and the Target Celebrity will enjoy a “honeymoon” that might last one hour, twelve days, or a year. Then you’ll both cool down and go chase other digital skirt or fly zipper for our demented online intellectual intercourse via email, chat, IM, txting, podcast, vlog, etc.
So enjoy the honeymoon and preserve the valuable, hard-won relationship. Preserve it by staying in touch, once every three months will seem like “pestering” to most celebrities, except full time blogger A Listers. Hardcore Bloggers contact their friends every day, week, or month at least. With some lapses due to various non-blogospheric events and mishaps.
Email your Target Celebrity a link to a funny cartoon, new malware danger alert (carefully researched, not a prank or rumor, shit like that will piss him off), or a funny post like:
“How to Use Intentional Typos”
“SSC: Simplified Secret Coding”
“USB ghost radar detects spirits?”
“RSS, seductive vs sticky sites, mentor bashing”
“triumphalist blogging explained”
“the power of hating the company”
“your hate posts may pin a crime on you”
“baby blogging is killing the blogosphere”
“blog timeline leaves out pioneers” (w/comment by Jason Calacanis)
Shit like that there.
You send them a link to this blog main index home page, or to any of those articles I pooped onto my Vaspers the Grate site, and your simpering Target Celebrity with Rose Scent Poop will like you IMMEDIATELY!
It really IS that SIMPLE and EASY.
Try it. PROVE I AM WRONG, you wuss.
trip the light bombastic.
how to stalk people 101 by vaspers thug rate.
i am intimidated by the amount of content you have oozing out of your every orifice.
carrie said this on February 22, 2006 3:42 pm
Carrie Snell, the Pregnancy Hormone Bitch from Heaven and my favorite she-blogger of all time and eternity:
Stop flattening me. I’m no fly.
Vaspers said this on February 22, 2006 4:18 pm
can I get you on YouTube?
chartreuse said this on February 22, 2006 6:28 pm
I thought YouTube was down for using too smart competitive genius against a dinosaur MSM outlet?
Vaspers said this on February 22, 2006 7:09 pm
If you ask me – I’d rather become rich and famous myself. It’sprobably not going to work but I’d rather spend most of my time trying to do that instead of wondering which celebrity I need to look up at or contact or whatever.
Chris Ritke said this on February 22, 2006 7:48 pm
[...] (1) do all that junk I told you about on “How to Make Famous People Kiss Your Ass and Say It Tastes Good and Beg For More…for Fun and Profit!!!” That list of drudgeries is your first step toward Riches in Blog Media Culting and Torture Initiation Wikis. [...]
A Jack of All Blogs » Blog Archive » 5 Proven, but Psychotic, ways to Promote a Blog Network said this on February 22, 2006 8:10 pm
Well if your existance needs to be validated by knowing your heros are aware of you, blogging ‘about’ them or their company/project works too.
Paul Short said this on February 22, 2006 8:56 pm
Paul: you win the Prize of the Week. I have felt like diarrhea on toast ever since I wrote that post…a SATIRE…and left out a key ingredient:
post about a new product or project they’re working on…better: download it (like Odeo or coComment or Krugel), use it, then be among the first to write about it.
Thanks for reminding me of my gaff.
Vaspers said this on February 22, 2006 9:57 pm
Chris: you silly sloth.
You use my techniques, and don’t put on airs and act like you don’t or you’re too good for them.
How did you singlehandedly raise your network/aggregator 49 Media from relative obscurity…to the all illuminating limelight in Tequila Land and Elsewhere?
You use my Alt Email App to contact celebs, you know, using their blog comment form as an alternative email application?
Remember? Remember? Remember? Remember?
Vaspers said this on February 22, 2006 10:02 pm
Stevaspers,
You are en-tire-less-ly in-sane.
y’know?
carrie said this on February 23, 2006 12:31 am
Dude, stop stalking my blogs!
And I have had great success “interacting” with celebs and famous-peeps-with-money, without using your advice.
So what do I need you for? Dazzle me.
..
..
..
I’m waiting….
amy said this on February 23, 2006 9:29 pm