I feel no pride when my country wins an Olympic medal. In fact, it makes me kind of sad. For every gold medal you show me, I’ll show you some kid who was bullied by his parents to practice a ridiculous sport rather than do something productive for society.

If I were from Estonia I might feel differently. But being a spoiled brat from America, ‘big victories’ come along along with big marketing campaigns. People who were formerly unknown, will become tomorrow’s pitchmen and reality show has-beens. They will be forced down our throats until we can’t take any more. And if they’re good looking too? Fugheddabouit! Total media saturation.

The games are boring.

Bobsleigh? I’ve never tried it, and it might be harder than it looks, but sports that are driven by gravity and decided by a fraction of a second, bore the heckfire out of me.

Curling? Any sport that is best described by comparing it to bowling and shuffleboard, has no business being an Olympic sport. Not to mention, there are no bats, rackets or sticks/. Rather a broom is used to move a granite stone along a course. What a joke!

Skeleton? Did you even know this was a sport?

And don’t even get me started on the torch relay. What a crock of crap. Every child, cripple and faux celebrity takes turns carrying a lit torch. What does it symbolize? I have no clue. But I do know that this ceremony was developed by Carl Diem, father of the Nazi Olympics. Glad to see we’re traditionalists!

I might be thousands of miles from Vancouver, but there will be no escape from the winter games. And even if I tried to run, those bastards on skates would track me down. They’re fast!

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