Given our perverse preference for packaging over substance, it should come as no great surprise that the GOP recently spent over $150,000 bucks on Sarah Palins’ new wardrobe. Gucci boots, Gucci pocket books, haughty couture, yup; you go girl! Especially when you don’t have to pay for any of it. This smacks of a new TV reality show, the great make-over: ‘Sarah Goes Suave’. Yuck.

Of course, the Republicans are totally pissed that these revelations have become public – and for good reason. After all, it’s kinda hard to justify how such over-the-top spending and sheer decadence can be explained away. Especially in the current economic situation that the rest of us find ourselves mired in. Hey, wasn’t St. Sarah supposed to be the voice of the ‘hockey mom,’ the militant middle classer, a plain Jane type of woman who detested pretension and who wasn’t going to take, or tolerate, Washingtons’ arrogance, or its’ well-known greed, any longer?

And as for the proverbial ‘Joe Six Pack’ who she vigorously claims to represent, he may not have even heard of Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman Marcus or even Bloomies. Just as well, because the way things are going, the closest he (or his family, for that matter) will ever get to high fashion is perusing a Sears catalog. Why should he, anyway, especially since his wife probably buys her wardrobe at K-Mart.

To be fair, and non-partisan, it isn’t just the GOP that never stops playing us for the suckers and fools they really believe us to be. Nope, the Dems are no better when it comes to under-valuing and disrespecting the American public. Remember John Edwards’ $400 haircuts? Oh, and let’s not ignore that other great populist, the Hillary, who’s only about another two facelifts away from looking like Joan Rivers.

All of this cheap manipulation in the political swamp is really no different than the successful marketing of the worst junk food, by simply using the best packaging. The pros call it ‘eye appeal,’ designed to get us to spend our hard-earned money on…crap. Or the advertising types, producing the most inane and boring commercials, and relying on us, the complacent sheeple, to not only welcome their insane, let alone supremely irritating repetition on the TV, but to actually go out and buy whatever it is they’re selling. Yet, and when it comes to Americas’ future, like in the upcoming presidential election, this kind of cheap manipulation is far more criminal than the usual huckstering to buy a so and so mattress or blah blahs’ potato chips.

Sadly, this all reminds me of Evita Peron, the infamous Argentine dictator’s wife. While awash in Nazi bribe money, and indulging in every conceivable luxury, she co-presided over a nation whose people were starved, abused and illiterate. Yet, she was nonetheless able to convince the poorest of the poor, the so-called ‘shirtless ones,’ that she was their champion. And they worshipped her.

Aren’t Americans better and smarter than that?

Obama’s big grin said it all.

Allow me to translate.

“Can you believe this crazy old man? He’s so out of touch. I’ll sit here and be polite. Let’s hear him out. The same way we let crazy Uncle Lester blow off steam at Thanksgiving.”

And McCain’s eyeroll spoke volumes.

“Silly kid. Your dreams of becoming president are admirable, but you don’t have the experience. Just go back to some basement to hang out with your terrorist buddies.”

Bob Schieffer was the old-school journalist gentleman, yet he failed the same way the other three moderators failed. People who want to run the country must be forced to answer questions. That’s why during the next election cycle, the American people should demand an ENFORCER. Forget the moderator. We need someone who takes candidates to task for empty answers.

Conversations about decade-old personal matters must be stopped immediately. And transparent references to Joe Q. Citizen must be limited. The fact that Joe the Plumber now has 60 seconds of fame – and over 1,000 T-shirts to choose from – is perfectly American. Perfectly f*cked up.

McCain finally showed some energy. Obama proved calm and steady. And, for some strange reason, the ongoing war in Iraq has become a footnote. I understand that the U.S. death toll has declined since April, but this military struggle is directly tied to the country’s economic outlook. If it’s not, I’m ready and willing to be corrected.

Is it fair to say that if there was no war there would be no domestic econmic problem? Granted, there’s a chance we’d all be blown to bits, but the markets would be more stable, no?

Red and Blue. Main Street and Wall Street. The haves and have-nots. Us vs. Them.

Are we so unevolved that we must classify ourselves with a broad group of people? Fold ourselves repeatedly until we fit in a neat little compartment that somebody else made for us?

Not me. I won’t do it. And if you EVER drop the Main Street line on me in person, I will drop you to your knees and make you pray to my God. He’s a lot less forgiving than yours.

Look what Google yields for the following searches:

“main street vs. wall street” = 50,700

“main street versus wall street” = 5,650

“main street” “wall street” = 6.75 million

Partially at fault – aside from the spoon-feed-us-anything American citizens – are the speechwriters. You know, the 50-year old guy from Wyoming who can sound like hockey mom. The midget hermit who moves millions. The transgendered human attempting to topple Roe v, Wade and so forth.

A good writer can make us believe anything. A great writer does it without any seams. They worm catchphrases and beliefs into our living rooms before we can bat an eye.

After they make us ‘believe’ a candidate, they will inevitably burn out and fade away. Their comeback trail will feature a ‘tell-all’ book and many cable news appearances. Eventually, they will latch on to yet another ‘rising’ political star and wear a different mask. They relish in dividing America; slicing our nation into two sides that are constantly at odds.

As cable news panels ‘instantly’ react to the “candidate’s” words at tonight’s final presidential debate – don’t forget to give credit to the real combatants. If you look beyond the prompter, McCain is young and Obama is white. At least that’s where the words are coming from.

After suffering through the recent presidential debate, I’m really shocked that one of the major drug companies didn’t make a bee line to the Patent Office and file for electronic Ambien! Talk about an over-the-counter sleep medication, this debate was nothing more than a damned narcotic. I know, let’s call it visual Vicodan! ‘Cause, and despite my usual double dose of caffiene-laden Kenyan coffee, I still got to be anaesthatized by these two guys. And I know that I’m among the many nodding minions.

In fact, even the Lenos and Lettermans whined about the lack of joke material that the long, boring and at times tortuous debate between Obama and McCain yielded. It’s really ironic, if you think about it, that now, right now, while we’re being slam-dunked by a dramatic economic turn-down, stuck in a seemingly winless two-front war and are confronted with an unprecented array of social issues, the candidates were still so nil, so blah, so nothing…

Sure, all of the political junkies and partisans will say that their guy scored points on this or that, on who’s pro (or anti) regulation, who really wants to protect ‘the common man’, ad nauseum. And what a trillion dollars really means (i’m still clueless). It’s like during the Veep debate, when Biden actually had the balls to brag about ‘hanging out at Home Depot’. Gimme a break-the closest he ever got to them was when he included them in his stock portfolio. And as for Saint Sarah, her homily of ‘homeyisms’ was-gee whiz, go-o-lly, absolutely nauseating. A Gomer Pyle in drag.

Yet and still, the debate, with Tom Brokaw crawling out of the retirement ooze to moderate (don’t these ancient media types ever go away?), did have a few-very few- moments. Obama, for all his usual charm, appeared to alternate, when listening to McCain, between looking smarmy and playing the attentive student. You know, the classmate who arrived late and got stuck sitting in the lecture hall’s front row. He’s bored to hell, but pretends to be attentive in the hopes that he won’t get called on to answer a question. But hey, his suit fit well and his tie matched. Obama-please, please stop with the smirking. It’s okay to be pissed off at your opponent, we won’t see you as ‘the angry black man’; at least most of us won’t.

McCain, by contrast, appeared old, startlingly so. Okay, we understand that he’s somewhat stiff as a result of his war injuries, but beyond that, his body language, his movements and even the tener of his voice betrayed his age. Very different, if you think about it, from his still shots and stationary podium appearances. And that baggy, saggy suit-he really ought to use on his wife Cindys’ many fashion consultants. I mean, it would be one thing for McCain to play the American Legion guy wearing his one wedding/funeral suit, but for a politico who doesn’t even know how many houses he owns? And is married to a mega-millionairess?Shab is, after all, just that-shab. Also, his now infamous referral to Obama as ‘that one’ (while standing near him) was kinda crude. This type of comment is usually used by a cranky grandma when complaining about her least favorite grandchild. I swear, and if he calls me ‘my friend’ just one more time, I’ll kick my TV screen in.

We’re not done with New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg yet…

It should be no surprise to anyone that the great populist, and self-proclaimed man of the people, “Mayor Mike” Bloomberg, is plotting, and so far successfully scheming, to overturn term limits in New York City. So that he can remain king for as long as he damned well pleases. Sure, he’s citing the current economic crisis as the rationale for this assault on democracy. And if it wasn’t this, then I guarantee that it would be something else. The fact that the city’s voters have twice voted in overwhelming numbers for term limits is, to a plutocrat like Bloomberg, startlingly irrelevant. As it also is to the big business and real estate interests who he perennially shills for.

And why should he feel otherwise? After all, he’s got a total lock on the media, both print and electronic. Hmm, these journalistic vanguards of the public good, awash in their own self-righteousness, are nothing more than trained seals, mindlessly barking Mayor Mikes’ blessings. And that even includes what was formerly known as the newspaper of record, the New York Slimes. And you thought that John Gotti was Teflon? Gimme a break. The National Enquirer has more integrity than the entire spate of New York media outlets.

The good ole’ Sheeple, and that’s really all of us, passively permit this travesty to continue. I mean, they tell us that most New Yorkers say that Mayor Mike is doing a great job. Of course, they can never cite any one specific thing that he’s done for us. Except ban transfats, force Snapple vending machines into City offices, and cramming more and more fancy housing units for the rich into already overcrowded areas, so that we’ll all end up feeling as if we live in a roach motel. All, by the way, under the guise of ‘going green’.

Can you imagine the sheer arrogance, the pomposity, the unctuousness of this wanna be Banana Republic dictator? Hey, and even if he didn’t look like the constipated, middle aged money-grubbing asshole that he is, he would still look distinctively third rate. Yet and still, Mayor Mike’s notorious nannyism, like his bloated ego, knows no bounds. After all, he knows what’s best for us-he said so himself.

Imagine the absolute absurdity of thinking that, in a city of over eight million people, only one man, one man, can lead the people. Sorry to say, but we’ve heard it all before. In a smoke-filled, cheap Munich beer hall, where a comedic character in an ill-fitting brown uniform ranted and demanded power. And no one stopped him either…

The sky might not be falling, but the global economy certainly is.

In the time you read this blog post, assuming that you are the average English-language reader, another $1 million has been spent on the war in Iraq.

Since the average Jack of All Blogs reader is NOT a millionaire, it’s safe to assume that we have no concept of how much money that really is. And that’s part of the problem. We hear these monstrous numbers tossed out and they become nothing more than a statistic. It’s very difficult to care about something when you don’t understand it.

Now I’m no scholar. Heck, I barely grasp many of the main concepts politics are based upon. And I definitely can’t pronounce Ahmadinejad without stumbling. But isn’t the answer to our economic problems pretty clear?

Bring the f*cking troops home.

The average household income in 2007, according to the Census Bureau was $50,233. That means in under 13 seconds the government has spent what you earn – ALL YEAR – in Iraq.

Whether you have been for the war or against it (or be for it before you were against it) at any given moment, that’s fine. The bottom line is we now need to get our asses out of there and take a more non-interventionism approach.

No one is suggesting we turn our back on malaria and clean drinking water for the world, but shouldn’t we be putting ‘Country First?’ The very people chanting it don’t get it.

“But if we leave Iraq now that will lead to defeat.”

I don’t really understand what that means. It’s one thing to finish what you started, it’s another to keep putting repairs into that 1996 Saturn when it simply won’t run the way you want it to.

Since the presidential candidates can’t win an election if they raise taxes, you should just expect the services you’re currently enjoying to be sliced and diced. You can even kiss that 4% increase goodbye, assuming you still have a job.

The media fans the flames and the $700 billion bail out fizzles. Isn’t the solution right in front of our face?

Despite living a mostly honest and morale life, I cheated like a motherf*cker as a kid. Mostly when playing board games. Especially Monopoly.

After going something like 42-0, my family – especially my little sister – because suspicious of this seemingly never-ending win streak. Since I was now under scrutiny, I had to find another way. Simply relying on my stellar hotel-buying skills was not a sure bet. So when you’re desperate not to lose, but cheating is not an option, what are you left to do?

Well, CHANGE THE RULES, of course!

The way the game is supposed to be played is determined long before you start, and it’s up to each player to familiarize themselves. Without rules, there’s chaos. Without knowing the rules, we’re almost as bad off. First-grade students understand this. Referees understand this. Heck, even Sarah Palin-worshipping Joe six-packs understand this. Then why is the concept too difficult for New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg to grasp?

Citing ‘tough times*,’ the billionaire bachelor is seeking a third term as the Big Apple’s mayor – a move that goes against current limits. Laws, I should remind you, that were voted on by the city’s citizens.

Since the mayor is looking to change the law, he’s technically not cheating. He’s simply asking the City Council, two-thirds of which are set to lose their jobs upon the completion of their second term, to let him hang around. And in doing so, keep dozens of elected officials in their jobs. So let me ask you, how do you think they’ll vote? Duh!

Anything short of a citywide referendum is absolute bullsh*t. If not, we all might as well hide $500 bills under the Monopoly board.

*When has New York, or the world for that matter, not experienced ‘tough times?’

Let’s cut to the chase. Like every hot-blooded man in America, I have a question. The answer which, could help determine who our next president will be.

WHEN WILL WE SEE SARAH PALIN NAKED?

Don’t deny it. Don’t think I’m pervert. Just admit it. You’ve wondered too.

Perhaps it’s all of those 80s B-movies I used to rent. But every time I see her speak, I feel like she is seconds away from taking the chopsticks out of her hair (or whatever holds that nest up), shake it out, and rip open her blouse.

I’m not usually attracted to God-fearing hockey-moms, but in this case, age disparity can suck it. I say bring on the May/December romance. There’s nothing misogynistic about this post, only truth.

It could be that I’m simply excited that I’ll have the chance to sleep with a president. Of course, that would take McCain croaking in office (not likely if he has mother Roberta’s genes); Todd Palin packing up and moving out to head to college; and an inordinate amount of alcohol for all involved parties. While I realize the odds are slim, at least there ARE odds. With a dude in the Oval Office, the opportunity doesn’t exist for the hetero population. But with Sarah Palin, men finally get to experience the possibility that regular woman have enjoyed for 43 presidents: that the chance of sex exists.

When typing “Sarah Palin” and the word “sex” into Google, one of the first results claims “Watch Sarah Palin Sex Tape Online.” I might be naive enough to think I have a chance of sleeping over at the cute little house on the southeast corner of 34th Street and Massachusetts Avenue (The VP suite), but I know that such a video doesn’t exist. At least it hasn’t fallen into the hands of the Dems yet.

Cable news can’t say it. The politicos can’t say it. But Jack of All Blogs can. The election has taken on a new dynamic. The GOP has brought us T&A. I’m not saying that it will win McCain the election, but if wars can be fought over a woman, don’t be foolish enough to think it couldn’t dictate who sits in the Oval Office.

Why is it so hard for intelligent adults to discuss politics? One of the ‘big three’ topics to avoid at all costs (religion and sex being the other two), I’m starting to wonder if blogs should steer clear of these areas too. Assuming, of course, one of these topics is not your blog’s niche.

The few times I’ve mildly approached politics on a blog, usually in a passing fashion, commenters appear out of the abyss, ready to accuse the writer of being biased.

Rather than rehash the debate on whether or not bloggers are journalists – and vice versa – let’s send out a message to folks who are hot to trot to polarize everything: CHILL OUT.

Not every blogger has an agenda. In fact, many bloggers that I speak with, couldn’t give a crap who moves into the White House in ’09.

Commenters clearly have the right to speak their mind, that’s the beauty of democracy – the beauty of blogging. However, before you respond attacking the blogger’s ‘bias,’ take a deep breath and make sure what you’re typing has merit.

‘Why’d you mention candidate X before candidate Y?’

‘You spelled his/her name wrong on purpose…’

And so on.

I’d recommend that bloggers who are not covering the political beat, avoid politics as a topic. And if you do decide to take it on, make sure you do your research. Commenters are standing by.

Jack of All Blogs could really care less about the American presidential election. The reality is, regardless of which political hack is in office, this bloggers’ life will remain the same. It’s not that I don’t care about kids dying overseas or global warming or people having their homes confiscated by foreclosure madness. The reality is, at the end of the day, life is the same. Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. Whatever.

If leadership is about inspiration, then perhaps Barack Obama is your man. His campaign steams towards Super Tuesday with amazing momentum and a growing number of star-powered endorsements. The latest coming from the participants of a song honoring Obama‘s “Yes, We Can!” catchphrase.

While I don’t fashion myself a music critic, I have spent years in or close to the industry – and am a die hard fan of all genres. But I must say, this might not be the kind of support Obama’s looking for.

In fact, if he really tells the truth, he might ask, ‘can I get a better song, please?’

Directed by Bob Dylan’s oldest son Jesse, whose notable credits include the
Method Man comedy How High and American Wedding (the third American Pie movie), the video appears to have been recorded in a basement and slapped together by a hack. Sometimes apples do fall far away from trees.

will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas has the ego to sing along with Barack’s speech. And a list of B-level-at-best stars join the ride, messily talking over Barack audio clips. The most notable star is Scarlett Johansson, and if this is an indication of what to expect from her forthcoming album, the writing is on the wall: the NYC-born native is no Jenny From the Block. Heck, she’s no Minnie Driver either.

Online videos are powerful. This one will make the rounds. Regardless of how you feel about Barack, the song simply sucks. Candidates would be better served if they just fuc**d Matt Damon.