I can not imagine that it will surprise you when if I told you that I used to be a big and loyal Valleywag reader. The original Nick Douglas and afterwards Nick Denton Valleywag was funny. Until a certain Owen Thomas took over the site and things went downhill. Snark became *yawns* and jokes were only insidery anymore. No full-on attacks.

Nowadays Valleywag is your Twitterwatch maintained by Ryan Tate. Today editor of the former snark blog revealed his post value: $1.50.

At least according to Sponsored Tweets by IZEA. That is true, for only $1.50 you can now also hire a Valleywag editor and make them write for you. 140 characters, disclosure inclusive.

Valleywag Emeritus Nick Douglas is smarter, he makes you write 140 characters all while he cashes in. That is why the original Valleywag was better: smarter and snarkier people ran the site.

Regular JOAB contributor Andrew G. Rosen reported over at the Blog Herald the findins of a survey by SAHM and Mommyblog network BlogHer.

The conclusion of said survey is rather simple.

Blogmums to run JOAB!

Wait, let’s try that again. More →

With the announcement that JOAB beloved Jeremy Wright stepped down at B5Media we are sad to report that good ol’fashioned Jack of All Blogs died in the same breath.

Back in the days JOAB was snark blog par excellence, mainly excelling in it’s offensive style. Ran and edited by a snark master who we rather prefer to ignare and totally blank nowadays, JOAB was feared and every problogger or A-lister in the ‘about blogging’ scene became the victim. But times have changed and all these bloggers have become a snorefest. With Jeremy’s change in position the last of the failbloggers has died and taken down Jack of All Blogs at the same time.
Before I dive in to an identity crisis after yesterday’s event, I would love to thank JOAB’s preferred victims.

More →

Jack of All Blogs favourite Michael Arrington has been at it once more. A supposedly French hacker forwarded several stolen/found Twitter documents to the Techcrunch staff and other online publications. They were obtained by guessing or recovering the password of both a Twitter employee and Twitter’s co-founder Evan Williams’s wife. Twitter uses Google Apps for domains and apparently Google has a simple password recovery method.

Although I missed the memo, it is an acceptable journalistic strategy to blame ‘Do no evil Google’ and get away with any moral issues. Moral issues about posting stolen documents and company secrets. Moral issues about posting these documents and at the same time knowing everyone who works at Twitter.

It’s not our fault that Google has a ridiculously easy way to get access to accounts via their password recovery question. It’s not our fault that Twitter stored all of these documents and sensitive information in the cloud and had easy-to-guess passwords and recovery questions.

Although Arrington a ruthless, self-centric, machine is, he does not seem to have enough of gut to blame people for being dumb and use simple passwords in the first place.

The English language continues to progress and evolve, but sadly in a not too great way. After the addition of the term Web.2.0 we really have to wonder what will happen to the language once mastered by the great Shakespeare. Maybe I’m just an old and boring sod, but can someone please explain me what numbers do in words? Since when are digits dictionary worthy?

What will next be added to the English dictionary? Will we see a new landrush for words in the dictionary just like we saw for the Facebook username? Will we see people starting cyberwars to have their nickname recognized as an official word? Can you imagine aplusk become a real word?
Or will the new fashion be abbreviated, short term, text speak words? Punk’d?

In the latter case I will gladly make the best web app ever my homepage.

Social Media and Social Marketing Guru par excellence Trent Reznor, from NIN fame and more even of free music fame, has had enough of it and quits Twitter and co for a while.

The reason: the haters online. Never mind that Ashton Kutcher much more boring and annoying is online and no respect at all deserves for his tweeting efforts. Respect which Reznor has earned over the years. That much even that Jack of All Blogs never had a go at him. How have we been that silly. One celebrity decides to have a break from the intarwebz even though we never bashed him. I feel as if we just failed.

Here at JOAB we have to wonder what else we will have to do now. How can we improve again and make sure we will not be not guilty when the next star quits. I think we should put Scobleizer back on the agenda. On top of our agenda, because don’t you think that it has gone quiet around our formerly most beloved online ‘guru’/'pundit’?

Every year again, in the second week of June, the Apple’s WorldWide Developers Conference (WWDC for intimates) takes place and year after year again it does not only excite all Apple and tech pundits, but also incites them to publish their predictions. Most of them usually being wrong, but they always serve as awesome linkbait and keep the conversation among A-listers going.
Every year again you can also find bingo cards to print out and keep your no-life nerdism excited. What could be better than sitting on the edge of your chair, reading a live blog of the conference and wait until Apple has uploaded the conference video. Surely not pr0n!

Of course here at JOAB we do not want to miss out and also want to share our predictions.

• iPhone 3GMYM: A new iPhone will be announced and will be named GMYM. GMYM stands for Give Me Your Money
• At least 3 bloggers will run out of battery power
• Many pictures will be uploaded during the event, just as many photos will be hotlinked on other sites
• During the event Duncan Riley will make more stupid LOLcat pictures only to complain publicly after the event that the release of the iPhone 3GMYM will take months longer in Australia than in the US
• After the event, Gruber, of Daring Fireball fame, will post ‘Told you all!’
• Apple will not announce a tablet
• Apple will obviously bump the speeds of the slower unibody MacBook. We actually are surprised it took the wannabe pundits more than a week to discover that the almost 7% CPU bump for the White MacBook resulted in a faster machine
• Many people will be present at the Moscone center
• There will be spotlights

All in all, the event will be disappointing. No announcement of new Apple powered NASA capsules or satellites will be made. Apple will not solve global warming or make the UK dryer for that matter. War on earth will continue. Poverty will not be solved and Steve Jobs will not announce a cure for cancer. There won’t be any bacon either.

Do you care when people make public declarations of thankfulness to individuals you have never known or met? I certainly don’t.

There’s always the ridiculous shout out to God; like he gives a f*ck you just won a gold statue or stole a base. But that’s tired soil. Instead, let’s talk about the movies, books and speeches that rattle off a laundry list of names.

Authors often like to kick off their books with a shout out.

“For Dorothy”
or
“To my loving parents…”

Fair enough. It’s the award speeches that suck the most. We don’t care about your lawyer, agent of make-up artist. And I highly doubt these professional adults care whether or not you include them in your thank you speech.

Living members of society are desperate for a pat on the back, but these speeches are just too much.

There’s an amazing, supportive and loyal group of people behind every individual. They are there to help guide and support you towards success. We highly doubt they’re in it for the four-second thank you.

I know this seems like a rant against a nice gesture, but long speeches destroy every awards show. Perhaps acting 101 should included studies on managing your acceptance speech time.

“I never expected to win.”

Yeah, whatever. Just unfold the scrap of paper and let’s get on with it. I’m sure when you chose the creative arts as a field you never envisioned this moment. It might not be your driving force, but let’s be honest, the thought has crossed your mind before.

I’ll probably never win an award in front of millions of viewers, but if it’s in the cards, you can rest assured that I’m prepared. Give me 10 seconds to seal the deal.

If you haven’t practiced yet, what are you waiting for? Get that acceptance speech ready today! We’ll thank you tomorrow.

It’s time that people in American offices rediscover their ‘inside voice.’

A deluge of cell phone technology has caused millions of people to forget that as human beings, we have miraculous control of the tone and volume in which we speak. We don’t live in a one-sized-voice-fits-all world.

There’s plenty of blame to go around. From Bluetooth headsets to white earbuds to big-screen TVs, whatever the size of the gadget, it’s making more noise than ever before; therefore, making us collectively louder. Couple that with crammed work spaces and you can start to understand why Kathy in Accounting is practically screaming on the phone.

Corporate suits think they can command a meeting by raising their voices; teachers attempt to cut down the language barrier by slicing through the sound barrier; retailers jockey for your attention by cranking the stores’ PA system (have you ever walked through American Eagle and the like? jeez!).

How are workers supposed to concentrate with this racket?

Many municipalities will fine you for honking a horn or blasting a boombox, citing quality of life issues. But where’s the summons for a loud voice? I’d like to see the head of HR issue one of those.

Learning to tune things out is becoming a full-time job; a hobby for this blogger. The louder you talk, the less likely I’ll hear you. You’re like the boy who cried wolf; the day you actually have something of importance to say, I probably won’t hear you.

It’s been quite some time since I stepped into a brick and mortar library, but I’m assuming that librarians still exist. Aside from helping patrons navigate their way through a sea of literature, they were also present to police the sound. After all, to truly enjoy a book, study effectively, or simply do your job, peace and quiet is required. Since we now have computers, and the Dewey Decimal System is on the verge of extinction, it might be time to release the librarians into the wild as professional shushers. Let them enforce what grown adults are apparently unable to regulate, the sound of their own voice.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

We were all born with an ‘inside voice,’ we just lost it somewhere. Is it too much to ask you to take a moment to find it?

I said it at the start and I’m sticking to my guns: THE OLYMPICS SUCK. Here are a few random observations and thoughts before I put out the torch by relieving my bladder.

* Everyone thought the games were over when Michael Phelps won his record-breaking eighth medal. Consider pushing such an event back in 2012.

* Phelp’s accomplishment is legendary, but doesn’t swimming afford athletes more medal opportunities than any other sport?

* Oppressive countries should not be allowed to host the Olympics.

* Why do 15-year-old gymnasts wear more makeup than entrants to a Jon Benet pageant?

* Fencing is stupid, especially when your body starts to blink as if you were playing Laser Tag.

* Watching boxing with headgear is a whole lot less interesting.

* Isn’t it amazing how the Olympics are able to reaffirm so many stereotypes?

* Beach volleyball players are nowhere near as hot when they take off their sunglasses.

* The next athlete to hit an official should receive a lifetime suspension AND have their entire country eliminated from the competition.

* I can’t believe Shawn Johnson is a little white girl.

* The opening and closing ceremonies are like Epcot Center on steroids.

Maybe I just feel out of shape and old. What observations did you make?