If you are one of the millions of people who wakes up to Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera on Today, you are probably familiar with stories rooted in the macabre. Whether it’s the “inspiring” story of an 18-year-old surfer who is “OK” with the fact that a shark took his legs; some poor parent grieving over their murdered child; or a cancer-survivor running a marathon. I have a simple question.

Why the heck would anyone want to wake up to this stuff!

For me, this content is way too heavy to digest on an empty stomach. A few headlines, a little weather, a touch of traffic and the sports finals; in my world, nothing else is necessary.

At best, these stories plant a little reminder that life is fleeting. At worst, they start the day off on a terribly morbid tone. Either way, I don’t need to be obsessing on mortality before noon.

You’re probably thinking, ‘If you don’t like Today, why do you watch.’

I don’t. I pin this one on my wife. She’s up way before me and the Today team has become part of her morning routine. Who am I to ask her to wake up to something a bit more uplifting?

Mornings are vulnerable. Can I have ray of sunshine with my eggs and bacon please?

I’d love to hear from you. What is it about waking up to the Grim Reaper (packaged as hope) that makes you tune in?

Everyone seems to be talking about the revival of an American institution: 90210. The primetime soap opera (yes, it IS a soap opera) that ruled the tube during the 90s is back – and this time – Brandon Walsh is black.

Will the show fail or succeed? Well I don’t know, I don’t care and it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is the show’s formulistic approach to high school, as it laid the groundwork to the next century of teeny-bopper TV.

You ARE one of the characters. You have to be. The question is, which one?

Anal retentive, goodie two-shoes Brandon? Sideburned rebel without a clue Dylan? Group weak link Donna Martin? The perceived object of every boys’ desire, Kelly Taylor? The chameleon who fights to fit in at all costs, David Silver? The hopeless geek, who even sans glasses is a homely girl from the wrong side of the tracks?

Or maybe, you’re just the old pervert who enjoys peach fuzz more than the Peach Pit?

You might fit into one of these neat, little stereotypes in high school, but as you get older, there’s a good chance you’ll play each one before you graduate from this thing called life.

90210 might not be the most relevant show on TV, but it ain’t The Hills, and for that, I’m grateful. They’ve flip-flopped some religions and races on the new version and drenched the lead parent in some serious sex appeal. But once the opening credits roll, the story will remain the same.

Now move on, before I get all Ray Pruitt on your ass.

In no particular order…

- New sports stadiums that, no matter how you slice it, are being paid for by taxpayers and fans.

- Radio ads that rely on a song or jingle to drill their message into your head. Two current examples include J.G. Wentworth and Cars 4 Kids.

- Spam headlines. What makes anyone think that an e-mail with the subject “Fergie Chips Tooth” OR “Kelsey Grammer Has Heart Attack” will lure me to hit the open button?

- My barber. What’s so hard about straight lines?

- Active, millionaire movie actors taking voice over jobs from voice professionals. Morgan Freeman might have a great voice, but other people need to eat too.

- When my wife tells her friends, ‘Andrew says hi.’ No, I didn’t. Stop making me look like such a nice guy.

- Social networks with seven registered users.

- 70-year-old men telling me that blogging is becoming an essential business tool.

- Blog widgets that promise to make you money.

- The fact that in 2008, I still physically have to be somewhere to sign for a delivery.

- People crawling out of the woodwork after years of silence.

- Game bundles that sell me accessories and games that I don’t want or need.

- Bloggers that complain without offering solutions. (Whoops! My bad!)

Lunch was going swimmingly well. Delicious soup. A nice meatball panini. And the good news that my boss was promoting me.

Then it emerged…

The largest, slowest cockroach I have seen in my life. It paced behind my boss’s head. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the restaurant he raved about was also a motel for the pest elite.

I understand that critters are everywhere. However, in hundreds of dining experiences, this is only the second time I’ve encountered a roach.

Despite good service, sharp food and a pleasant atmosphere, I’m a little bugged out.

And this raises the big question: Do you blacklist a restaurant if you see a bug?

I’m conflicted. Part of me vows never to return; part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh. Have my standards dropped so low that I’m making excuses for an establishment that allowed the unacceptable?

Perhaps I’m just mellowing with age. After all, nothing is perfect. Our significant others have flaws, dream homes become money pits and even your favorite sports team will employ a cheater. Does that mean you should get divorced, live in a studio apartment and stop rooting for the home team?

Who am I to say.

What would you do? Are 10 long, dangling legs enough to get in the way of a good meal?

House prices drop. Interest rates get slashed. And guess what: I still can barely afford anything. I don’t know about you, but my salary certainly hasn’t kept pace with inflation. Not when a gallon of gas is $3.50, a slice of pizza sets me back $2.25, and single-family fixer-uppers are close to half a million dollars.

But many companies want us to be satisfied with 3% ‘cost of living’ raises.

It doesn’t help that the U.S. continues to hemorrhage money in Iraq. It’s like they’ve come down with anemia and there isn’t a clot in sight. Estimates of $60 billion to rid the world of Saddam Hussein were grossly inaccurate. So far, the war has cost $600 billion and the meter is still running. We’ll be in the trillions before it’s all said and done.

But wait! The government says there are good times ahead.

The Economic Stimulus Act of 2008 is cutting checks to over 130 million American households. The money starts to roll in May. Somewhere between $300 – $1200 for most folks, depending on your income. That’s around a $168 billion tab for Uncle Sam.

However, many surveys have indicated that Americans do not plan to “stimulate” the economy by hitting the mall. In fact the majority of folks plan to pay down debt. Because for the first time since records have been kept, homeowners owe more than the equity in their houses.

Look at your local real estate prices and think about that for a second. Home prices skyrocketed to ridiculous proportions several years back. Yet we’ve still managed to dig a hole large enough to crawl inside of and die. OK, maybe not die – but at least go broke.

The poor folks in Iraq are doing both.

I know that many of them signed up by choice. But no one expected this to drag on for thousands and thousands of days.

Jack of All Blogs is certainly too simple to delve into many aspects of the war. In fact, I’m more convinced than ever that the world is spinning way too fast.

I realize this entry is kind of all over the place. What’s my point? I don’t think I really have one. I’m just a little disgusted at where things are right now.

The government will share $168 billion with us. Maybe I should be happy. But I can’t help but wonder where we’d be if they shared the trillions they are spending overseas.

I’ll shut up now and just be grateful that nothing has exploded in my neck of the woods.

There are many accomplishments in life that a man can be proud of. I’m not sure if growing facial hair should be one of them.

Over the past few years a slew of new Websites have hit the Internet where men can “bond” and battle as they watch their beards, and other people’s beards, grow.

Is the goal to put Gillette and Schick out of business? Nope, it’s deeper than that. It’s for beard supremacy.

I didn’t dare Google it, but you know some yutz is out there taking notes and planning TheWorldsHarriestChest.com or MyBackIsAJungle.com. The question I have is who the hell cares aside from the participants? Then again, I’m the same guy trying to rally everyone I know to stop routing for overpaid, cheating athletes. But at least sport pros have a skill, which I guess is my point. Hitting a 95mph moving object with a stick is a lot more impressive than being able to grow handlebars to connect your mustache and beard.

How far can you spit? A talent.
Who can eat more hot dogs? A talent.
Whistle out of your butt? A talent.

Even if you don’t consider these talents, at least they are things that set people apart. Beard growing competitions include everyone – except maybe 11 year olds and (most) women.

Whiskerino, the self-proclaimed greatest facial hair growing competition to hit the Internet, tracks four months of progress.

Movember, raises money for men’s health issues by having dudes grow mustaches for the month of November.

Both sites just experienced their biggest year ever.

And mark your calendars now! The World Beard and Mustache Championships (WBMC) are scheduled for May 23, 2009 in Alaska.

Some will dispute that growing a beard is a true test of character and perhaps even a vehicle to self-discovery. I say it just makes you itchy.

I remember when a Thanksgiving meal was a Thanksgiving meal.

Turkey. Check.
Stuffing. Check.
Cranberry sauce. Check.

But these days, everything and anything seems to be fair game (poultry pun intended).

Chickens. C’mon!
Duck. C’mon!
Tofurkey. No comment.

Listen people, I’m just as guilty as you are for watching our nation crown an Iron Chef, Top Chef and the Next Food Network Star. However, all of this fusion cooking has left us confused.

Maybe Martha Stewart learned all about Cauliflower Gratin With Endive in prison.

Or perhaps Guy Fieri wants to spread heart attacks across America with Fried Pepperoni Stuffing.

The agenda is unclear, but one thing is crystal: There is a War Against Thanksgiving.

Some claim that Christmas is under attack by religious-phobes. But I think the real target is Thanksgiving.

The fourth Thursday of November means more than a four-day weekend and monster savings. It represents tradition and family and food. Normal food. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, corn, pumpkin pie. Heck, even mince meat pie.

Perhaps things started to slide downhill in the mid 80′s with the introduction of the Turducken. For some reason, people became intrigued about a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken.

What was wrong with just the freakin’ turkey? It worked just fine for hundreds of years, no?

Silly me. This is America, after all. And we need to constantly make things bigger and ‘better’ than ever before. God forbid we just let things be if there’s a buck to be made.

Oh, and if the Thanksgiving madness isn’t wacky enough, what about the Jones’ holiday collection of soda? Just in time for Christmas: Christmas Ham Soda, Christmas Tree Soda, Egg Nog Soda and Sugar Plum Soda. And Hanukkah Harry isn’t left out either! Latke Soda, Apple Sauce Soda, Chocolate Coins Soda and Jelly Doughnut Soda.

My stomach hurts. I’m not sure if it’s the annoyance of the bastardization of holidays or the sweet corn salsa relish I just put on my fried ant micro green salad.

Whatever you decide to eat this holiday season, here’s to happy digestion!

If you’re still trying to work out that bloggers union deal, especially the ‘work from home work out’ $tarbuck$ part of the contract, and finances are rather limited and you don’t manage it to squat days long that posh franchise with the thousands varieties of coffee-imitations… fear not.
Especially not if you’re UK based.

McDonalds comes to your rescue. Starting today.

With the launch of free Wi-Fi access in McDonald’s restaurants from Monday, we can provide the ultimate work break for UK employees to conveniently access the worldwide web. From the comfort of our restaurants, Brits will be able to come out of hiding and surf freely, for free.
[emphasis: waldorf]

I can perfectly imagine how it will feel to blog from home, sat on a hard wooden bench with a clinical table, fries and a tray in front of me. Not to mention the oh so del.icio.us iceberg salad and in ketchup drenched cucumbers falling on my keyboard. No, I don’t want my menu to be maximized, but do you have a power outlet where I can plug in? And maybe a cushion too, because those benches are so comfortable.

Soon coming near to you, 4 Dell equipped bloggers, hosted on blogspot, downloading their free music thanks to McDonalds FreeFi and Ronald ‘Beta’ McDonald 2.0.

Little by little I noticed that the once so-popular and hyped Facebook platform has turned in to a perfect spam box, spam with friendly greetings of… your friends.

Day after day my mailbox is flooded with spam messages, clickthrough messages, every time requiring me to visit the FB website. Sometimes just to read a message or discover that someone has added a picture. Basically the same thing I would have discovered anyway, when trying to follow my friend. That is whenever I log in. Daily actually.

And when I log in… then I am greeted by another spam box, the requests.
A little more than 24 hours of facebox absence generated this nice list, as seen in the screenshot at the right. This list obliging me to go on and on with my rant, because the screenshot is more than 700 pixel high. 700+ Pixels of useless spam, cyberwaste waiting to be added to the list of 32 applications I already have installed. And don’t use except for 4 or 5.

A never-ending list of applications, because most of time someone has been flirting cybervirtually flirting, more than just poke, and I HAVE TO add the application to see what they gossiped about me or check if they gave me a slippery banana or a wet nipple growing in my garden to produce endless bread for the rest of my life as a pirate bitten by zombies who lost the battle against the ninjas.

Not to forget the many notifications landing in my so conventional mailbox, because XXX wants me to add a slideshow to my facebox profile… just because she is too damn lazy to click the link to my flickr account in my facebook profile. *sigh*

Luckily facebox can be rather satisfying, ego-galaxy-stroking even, too… because right now I am… see the second screenshot.
If only they would have spammed me to let me know that!

Facebook, I’m done with you… you’re nothing more than a better looking, but worse, MySpace.

Disclosure always has been the horse to beat to death among bloggers. Bloggers, especially probloggers (whatever that is), are supposed to be honest, beg and warn you every time they want to make some money on your back that they actually could make money if you are no greedy all for free internaut.

Finally, I’ll come clear with things here and agree with the Master, Shoemoney.

You should assume everything written on this blog is a lie. You should assume I have motivation for linking to everything on this page and will benefit from it somehow.

To be entirely honest honest with you…

I assume you know that I everything I write on this page, I will benefit from it somehow.

Yup, that is correct. I can already see those $ signs in your eyes, but forget it! Being a Jack has some advantages! See, I’m a muppet, I can write what I want here. I can rant & rave. Even at your expense.

As long as I disclose. And I think disclosure doesn’t go far enough yet. Also Jacks and Muppets should disclose [their relations]. And best thing to do that, is the lovely XFN code.

XFN™ (XHTML Friends Network) is a simple way to represent human relationships using hyperlinks. In recent years, blogs and blogrolls have become the fastest growing area of the Web. XFN enables web authors to indicate their relationship(s) to the people in their blogrolls simply by adding a ‘rel’ attribute to their <a href> tags

On a side note, XFN also is the perfect way to get screwed in your search engine rankings, but I digress.
To be entirely honest, I think XFN is for netiquette wussies. Those who believe that the web only consists of hugging cybergenes and cuddling cyberDNAstrings. But one of the best things online always were the flames. What is funnier than sit back and enjoy a great flame war and Wikipedia or Usenet.

But what about disclosure?

From now one, every flamer should disclose and use the XFN model to do so. Following attributes are imaginable:

• rel=”useless”
• rel=”wannabe”
• rel=”whiner”
• rel=”wussy”

Of course no limitations are set, but when disclosing… better do it consequently.